Tommy T says..“ Anyone know anywhere that puts on Hip-Hop nights in town?”

London Road says..“ I, for one, am utterly appalled by today's news that Jason Harborow, a T shirt salesman from Chorley, has been paid £230,000 to "fcuk up and fcuk off" as the phrase goes, the day after Liverpool was on the front page of the Guardian newspaper as the council with the worst managed finances in the UK. Now they are paying yet another commercial PR agency in Liverpool an undisclosed sum of money to try to cover up their incompetence. This really is taking the canape, the foie gras and the fcuking biscuit. ”

Lord Street says..“ Hear hear, London Road! We are sleep-walking towards an elected Mayor. Of course 'Horror' Storey, his Lib-Dems and law-breaking street-trading pals are part of the conspiracy. Storey thinks he's popular enough to be elected! Fat Chance! We might end up with weirdo Redmond! Oh dear...”

tony taxi says..“ i am local black cab driver, for the past 30 i have driven the streets of liverpool making a living could not resist the temptation to try the MALS £28 for two dinner offer ,what a dissappoitment, all i can say is it took nearly 2 1/2 hrs to serve what could on ly be descibed as pretty food which would not fill a budgie!! i ordered the roast pork of the special HOME and LOCAL menu and what i got was a tiny portion of mash potatoe with a piece of pork the same size and SHAPE as a dairylee cheese and three pieces of apple, i asked the waitress were are the veg and she replied thats your lot!! and finally the arrival of my eccles cake ice cream which looked and tasted like garribaldi biscuit,the size of a bottle top,if i gave service to my customers and tried to charge them 10%; on top of what was on the clock the likes of what i had at the MALMASSION i would be embarassed to say the least,”

Graham Bandage says..“ Can I just add my agreement to the warm tribute paid to radio's Larry Neild by himself in this morning's Liverpool Daily Post? "The hallmarks of my career as a journalist have been trust, integrity and professionalism." And, may I add, self-effacement?”

Count Bernard of Breslau says..“ I read in yesterday’s Daily Post that ALL the tickets for the Viennese Ball have been allocated, no doubt to the usual suspects in the Council and Culture Company (not forgetting Colin Hilton’s mum). - Wouldn’t it have been much better and fairer if the release of tickets had been advertised properly to the people of Liverpool in advance? - If Crown Prince Harpik had been overseeing matters I’m sure that the average Liverpool Ruritanian on the Street might have had a chance of getting a pair, and he always has such magnificent balls! ”

Sir Howard Way says..“ Hear hear, Your Excellency! Similarly all the tickets for Sir Simon Rattle conducting the Berlin Philharmoniker and the performance of Donizetti’s Lucia di Liverpool were ‘sold out’ already when the events were announced! How much is this Culture Company being paid to do things so cack-handedly? ”

Dirk McQuickly says..“ How much is the Culture Company being paid to do things cack-handedly? Well, I'm sure the Audit Commission can tell you, Sir Howard, following today's damning news that Liverpool is the WORST performing local authority in the country. Maybe they will also tell you that it is run by complete incompetents who seem to spend all their money on spin merchants to shut them up and fiddle with the facts. This is the culmination of ten years of cock ups and mismanagement. It makes you want to move to Rutland.”

London Road says..“ Liverpool is England's worst local authority. Official. Did we need the Audit Commission to tell us that? Discuss.”

Lord Street says..“ Exactly! People posting in Liverpool Confidential argue excitedly about the relative merits of the candidates in the leadership of the ‘Democratic Party’ for the imminent Presidential election of some distant foreign country, YET apparently we can’t get rid of this clique of blithering incompetents that ‘run’ our own city and make it a laughing-stock! And this is 2008 when the world is watching! It puts one in mind of that parable about taking the speck of sawdust out of your brother’s eye whilst having a plank in your own!”

Anonymous says..“ I think a majority of people in this city just don't give a ****. Otherwise why would they continue to stay away from the ballot box every May and allow these corrupt and incompetent Lib Dems to be voted back into power again and again. People care more about what Ringo says or doesn't say on the telly and then they all act surprised and indignant when the lovely Edge Lane houses get demolished. Start caring, Liverpool!! ”

Lord Street says..“ Hear hear! I blame the media. They are so OBSESSED with the United States; the BBC has one 'North of England Correspondent' yet employed 180 staff in the U.S. to cover that distant, foreign country's last election. They don't even mention the European elections (in which we DO have a vote) so it easily possible for relevant elections to pass by unnoticed by the voters!”

Warren's Dad says..“ I think it's a fookin' disgrace that my poor lad is being made a laughing stock on the front page of the Echo tonight. All he has ever done is break a few promises, send a few emails and text messages, hold a few secret rendezvous(es?), completely bottle sorting out an army of over-paid and incompetent officials, and believe his own spin and hype and the astonishing sycophancy of Storeyteller, Hurst and Clarke. What has he done wrong? He's a simple lad. He has always had his own interests at heart. Anyway he is off to Mexico for the weekend now, Viva Zapata! I'm going to complain to the Press Complaints Commission about the Echo. And that Brown fella is a complete waste of money. If I had my way (cont Page 94, ed)”

A. E. Scouseman says..“ "Fookin'"? That sounds distinctly Southern, like 'oop north'! Warren's Dad, do you sip shandy from a half-glass by any chance?”

Greasy gringo says..“ I smelled a barbecue today. Anyone else?”

Stanley Street says..“ Gringo old chum, you ought to write to the The Times about that. ”

Stanley Street says..“ Whatever happened to 'Meet the People'? It used to be in that menu bar down the left-hand side. I really miss it.”

Ken Dodd says..“ Maybe you can join the all-new Liverpool Confidential "group" on Facebook and post that as the first topic for discussion, Stanley Street. I'm sure it would lead to much lively debate, missus!”

Stanley Street says..“ Come again! A facial book?”

Ken Dodd's dad says..“ I would love to go and see that Beatles musical Love, the one that's on in Las Vegas. Come on Confidential, get your finger out and get us some freebies for that. It can't be that hard, can it? ”

Warren says..“ I have never found it so”

Baffled says..“ can someone please explain to me what all this Las Vegas themed undercurrent and lightning is all about. You need a bloody degree in current affairs to keep up with stuff on here.”

Saint Ringo says..“ I hope this means that the smut campaign launched by some of your readers on the Fat Git review has finished. ”

Saint Ringo says..“ Funny though!”

Rusty Spike says..“ Surely 'Bungalo Bill' Ringo should be able to get stacks of free tickets for the Love stuff in Las Vegas. He can then make amends to the distressed of Liverpool, heart-broken and bewildered at the notion that he wouldn't want to return to the city that is one of the worst managed in the UK, and lash out said freebies to the needy - or better still why not give a handful to Warren Bradley and his mates, to get away from the nasty people who are bad mouthing him. He needs a break. Ho, ho. Incidentally, where is the once upon a fairy tale ubiquitous Councillor Mike Storey of late? Not a word, or a sighting, or even a photo in the newspapers. Strewth, things must be bad. Maybe he's in Las Vegas lapping up Cirque Du Soleil's The Love show. Nah, he's more of a Rolling Stone kind of guy.”

Auntie Maggie (and her Home-Made Remedy) says..“ How have the otherwise estimable staffers at Liverpool Confidential forgotten to mention in their weekly round-up that the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain is performing at the Philharmonic Hall this very evening? Harrumph!”

LEON KAY says..“ Did you have to use the word Jew it is Jewish ,other than that a good article on George Melly”

Queen of Drive says..“ Ey up me lasses does anyone know wats goin' on with International Womens Day next week,bet they haven't got any 08 dosh but will put on a good show anyway”

Joyce Jones says..“ Why are there no street signs to guide people to Ormskirk Market Hall in Ormskirk Town Centre? There are those for the Magistrate court, Police Station. As a historical "Market Town" myself as a Market Hall trader (The Bra Detective & Propriator of "Sweets 4 U") feel devalued as a trader of many in the Hall providing a valuable community service. ”

Anonymous says..“ I see the Ukulele orchestra of GB has been glossed over, I'm with you sister, they were absolutely brilliant, and didn't even have an 08 sticker anywhere near them!. To see/hear 'I'm just a teenage dirt bag', 'yes sir I can boogie', followed by 'leanin on a lampost'- russian style was a sight to behold..we've got to get them back to Liverpool, and fast!! ”

Dave Wood says..“ Can't believe Liverpool Confidential thinks the god that is Mr Bill Shankly is from Glasgow! He came from a small mining village called Glenbuck, which is over 40 miles away. Shame!”

Liverpool Confidental says..“ Whoopsadaisy!”

Dave Wood says..“ Thanks Liverpool Confidential for the quick edit. You may have been getting Shankly mixed up with Alex Ferguson! [runs for cover!]”

Rusty Spike says..“ Just been listening to Bruce Springsteen's new album Magic. Strap me britches, I thought, this is Liverpool's very own hero Ian McNabb. Now I don't wish to appear partisan here but the so called - and presumably self styled - sound of The Boss is a blatant rip off from McNabb's wonderful style, surely. The cheeky git.”

London Road says..“ Have you been taking drugs, Spike, old bean?”

Anonymous says..“ Where's Fat Git got to then?”

Liverpool Confidential says..“ Comments removed for legal reasons.”

Advice please says..“ I bought a Saveaway ticket last Friday and, starting at Noon, had a pint of Carlsberg at the Hunts Cross Hotel. I caught a passing train and alighted at Cressington for a gin and tonic in the Kingsman. Got another train to St Michael's and had a bottle of rioja in Keith's before moving on to Liverpool Central for a few in the Post Office pub. I had a particularly fun filled session in here. And on it went, up the Northern Line and I alighted at Southport at 10.30 for a large rum and black in the Slug and Lettuce. Then I caught the last train back to Hunts Cross where I don't even live. I live in Seaforth. Do readers have any ideas where I might go over the forthcoming Easter break or do they think I should lay off the sauce for a while. I would appreciate some advice.”

Dr Nookie says..“ Ooooh! You seem saucy enough already.”

Amy Winebar says..“ Have you thought of rehab?”

Stanley Dock says..“ you could have slept on the beach (there's plenty of it) and got the stopper to manchester, plenty of room there for a continuance next day, maybe next time!!!”

Frank O'Foan says..“ Bonjour tout le monde! Où est M. Fat Git aujourd'hui? Je ne l'ai pas vu cfor trois semaines! Est-il sorti pour quelques morceaux?”

Stanley Street says..“ According to yesterday's Daily Post, Lee Forde's out-of-court settlement with Liverpool City Council was a mere £12,000 and opposed to the £34,000 he asked for. This was because whilst in service he was put through the MBA course. Was a similar measure taken to recoup taxpayers' money when Jason Harborow was sent at our considerable expense for a short course to the world's most expensive technical college, Harvard University? I suspect not!”

London Road says..“ Funny that, isn't it? At least Lee has emerged from all of this with a measure of dignity intact after refusing to play the game of Bradley and Storey to oust Harborow. You're better off out of that, Lee. You would think Storey et al would have all learned by now, wouldn't you?”

Colin Coverup says..“ I only give money to my mates...”

Warren says..“ Has someone got something out of the city council?”

Pauline says..“ I've only just seen Advice Please's plea(?) for advice (?) about where to go for an Easter Break. As an experienced imbiber, my advice would be to splash out and invest in a sat-nav, before you step outside the front door this Good Friday. Tuck it into your coat pocket and when you end up in Hunts Cross again in the wee small hours of Easter Sunday, instead of Seaforth, at least you will know in which direction to stagger back home. I wouldn't be without my sat nav nowadays - and I have also found the slight vibration next to my skin quite comforting after I've had a few Pinot Grigio's washed down with a chardonnay and ice. It always makes me fancy a stiff one, for some reason. Secondly, my advice would be to mark Good Friday with as much bad behaviour as you can possibly manage. After all, sitting at home weeping about what happened all those years ago, isn't what life is all about. Is it? I would be in the Grapes for about 12 noon - in fact i WILL be in the Grapes at about noon, then onto the Post Office and finally ending up in Rigby's at about 7. After that the sky really is the limit. As far as food is concerned - don't let it get in the way of having a good time. And anyway, there wll be loads of pissed-up people leaving Easter eggs under the tables in the saloon, so you can help yourself when they have stumbled off home empty-handed. Buy twenty Bensons in advance, because around about 9 you are sure to fancy sucking on something. Don't go anywhere near the Living Room of course, for all the obvious reasons. Later on, The Blue Angel will be worth a shuffty, if the council haven't closed it down, and it always warms up in their after midnight with energetic young lads who are up for anything. You will have to pay for the taxi, though. I shall have a think about Easter Saturday...but I am sure there's lots of exciting new possibilities in Europe's Capital of Culture. ”

HP says..“ don't lay off the sauce whatever you do!”

Lord Street says..“ I can only assume that Advice Please isn't drinking enough. When sufficient joy juice has been bibbed, the conscious mind just chucks in the towel and goes into limbo. In this state one is functioning on basic instinct and one's 'beer compass' always gets one home. The trouble is that the beer compass evolved in the days before motor transport. Therefore, avoid being taken for a ride by drinking any money that might serve as train or bus fare - swap your Saveaway for a couple of loose Superkings. Shanks' Pony will get you home no matter how long it takes and just think of the health benefits of a 14-mile walk! It is the only truly painless form of exercise I know. ”

John Stalker says..“ Which Grapes, Pauline?”

Auntie Maggie (and her Home-Made Remedy) says..“ Eh up! One of t’turns at the Potting Shed Cabaret tomorrow night is the Ukulele Orchestra of Wales! It's on t'boat in t'dock - where can I buy a ticket for cash? PLEASE, somebody!!!!”

Nadia says..“ So you have problem with drinking too much, calling yourself Advice Please. Back in old country we drink vodka to stay warm all day. On train to Vladivostok,on bus and in bed with real Russian man. Not so here. I have many cigarettes and I sell you cheap and real vodka too this Easter weekend. I would like to meet man like you who can take his drink like man from home.”

Franco Doran says..“ Vous devez avoir manqué le voyage de Fat Git à Ikea. Mais c'est un morceau à ne pas manquer d'écriture et le Cousin Tony jure par ses boulettes de viande. Elle est ici pour votre plaisir de lecture et il sera de retour bientôt.”

Pauline's mate says..“ I have just translated this from Dictionary.com and this is what it came up with: "You must have missed the voyage of Conceited person Git at Ikea. But it is a piece not to miss a writing and the Tony Cousin swears by his meat pellets. It is here for your pleasure of reading and he will be of return soon.” Yeah, right!”

Paul Clein says..“ I'm off.”

Fireman Sam says..“ It's all going horribly wrong.”

Joe Ando says..“ Not for me it ain't”

Disgusted says..“ The Lib Dems appear to have pressed the self-destruct button and given up any hope of clinging to power in May. Not before time!”

Cheering says..“ Why disgusted? I am absolutely delighted - I haven't had so much fun since they cancelled Mathew Street and tried to blame everyone else but themselves. Lee Forde must be laughing up his sleeve now - totally vindicated! The bastards deserve everything that is coming to them.”

Dan says..“ Hear, hear!”

Sir Thomas Street says..“ Whilst I would like to see the back of the Lib-Dem shower of sh*te I hope, should Labour take power, that they’ve bucked up their ideas since their last lazy and complacent administration. For one example, remember that it was under the Labour council that the Grade 1-listed Employment Services offices on Leece Street had its roof sneakily removed so they could knock it down once the elements had done their worst. Fifteen years later it is still a rubble-strewn hole in the ground behind ugly hoardings.”

Lord Street says..“ I saw on the front of yesterday’s Daily Post that Frank McKenna’s DLIB social club wants a “zero tolerance” private police force to operate in the city centre. I wonder if this new police force will be able to look into cases of election expenses fraud? ”

Stanley Street says..“ I am told by people who have seen the photographs and video recordings that the Viennese Ball on 12th April was a bit rubbish. Despite the announcements made beforehand, those privileged few who were able to get tickets because knew people in the C.o.C. bureaucracy, never even took the trouble to dress properly for this auspicious occasion. Apparently the only people in white tie were the estimable Mr. Petrenko and The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra! What a pile of half-baked tripe, just the usual ‘oh that’ll do’ attitude from Liverpool City Council pissing away the tax payers’ money!”

Lord Redmond says..“ EVENTS: So many to go to, so little time. I turn up to the opening of every event. Recent quarterly statistics agree with this. I have attended a record number in 2008. Art galleries, book signings. I speak. I don't speak. If people say they can't find something of interest in my column, then they aren't reading it properly. One Step Forward, One Step Back, just like the Culture Company. And only this week it was St George's Day. Truly an 08 event. Culture is often more about individuals that individual events. And I can say that again. Events: To me they are like the opening of a ciggie packet - and Sheila Grant used to smoke.” ”

Startled of Stoneycroft says..“ Did anysee spot something about the Daily Post: Tuesday May 27. Seems they have introduced Front Page advertising. The main story: Seven Days to savour in city's culture showcase. Liverpool offers unbeatable line up of events. So what are these unbeatable cultural events? The opening of Debenhams, a pensioner twanging on a guitar at Anfield. Phil Redmond says it shows the real depth and spread of what culture means in Liverpool in 2008. I think easyJet and Ryannair should have clubbed together to supply a sick bag with every copy of the Liverpool Daily Post!!!”

0151omski says..“ Just wanted to say what a great time was had at the Reverend and the Makers gig, part of Sound City at the Carling Academy. The Rev sure knows how to end a show. Having recently brought Sheffield to a halt by continuing a recent gig in the city centre, the Rev jumped off the stage at the end of Thursday's performance and took his guitar out in to Hotham Street. Don't know what the neighbours' thought - not a lot judging from the drawing of curtains and shutting of windows!! All hail the Rev and as some wag put it: "He's not the Messiah, he's just a naughty little boy!!"”

cilla says..“ The city council's taxpayers have paid my whacking great fee - not First Family Entertainment, cos the Culture Company are paying FFE to put on the show. Strange but true. Anyone who had a heart would take it...”

William Brown-Street says..“ If Phil Redmond turns up at every opening, why doesn't he go to the opening of a barber's shop? He's in a responsible position of Culture Chief and is a representative of the proud, stylish, city of Liverpool. Would it hurt him to look like it?”

Elephant's memory says..“ I see that Councillor Joe Anderson has had his mobile phone records scanned by the extremely paranoid city council mandarins because they were trying to cover up the spiralling costs and mess they were in over the McCartney gig at Anfield and someone did a leak to the media. Did these same people look at Councillor Bradley's mobile phone records that time to see if he did or did not text Lee Ford when he said he didn't during the Peroni Plot? I think we should be told. ”

The Confidential Team says..“ To all those entering the office bike competition, as it were, your answers are all very amusing and we never realised such humour existed in various legal firms around the city. Keep 'em coming, folks!”

well and truly pissed off says..“ where the **** are all the office bike comments. i have spent hours on this ****ing site trying to find them. do they exist or is it all a product of someone's imagingation. why can't we judge the best entrys? (as it were)”

Doctor Nookie says..“ It is not for you to judge, "well and truly pissed off". Where did it say that? If you fancy yor chances with an office bike I suggest you try your luck like everyone else before you, when entering. Ooooooh, matron!”

Sir Walter Raleigh says..“ What would legal firms want with a bike anyway? They only go around to Carolyn Hughes' bedsit to pose with their poorly-knotted ties, red faces and orange secretaries for the camera 'By Invitation Only'...”

Frank Drake says..“ Perhaps they think they will need a new office bike should they run out of orange secretaries....”

A Friend says..“ We would love to use some of the restaurants you advertise - but, apart from Hope St. we don't know liverpool well - please put the address and area - are they within walking distance of the city centre? Thanks.”

Helpful says..“ L1, L2, L3 are city centre. All the other restaurants also have postcodes at the end which are easily looked up.”

Dig says..“ Could somebody from the Liverpool Confidential team tell me when the car pages and Brendan Coogans blogs are kicking off? Been waiting for that for months. Must be almost a year since I was in your Manchester HQ speaking to your big cheese about it all.”

Maris says..“ I Just want to say , After a lovely Meal at Bistro Piere in mathew street I took my Friends to a few Bars in the area.and I felt so let down by them. The are Realy Dirty Every Toilet was in such a state . E.g Flannagans Rubber Soul and the bar next door. I asked the Girl behind the Bar Why the Smell that was in all of them was so BAD she said it was the MERSEY. surley the City capital of culture could do something about this . My visitors were So shocked at this . And Me! SO ASHAMED ”

Piper says..“ Ah well, that's yer smoking ban, isn't it? In the old days people were protected from the stench of the foul spurtings of Mathew Street drinkers by the æthreal wraithes of noble tobacco.

Next time take them to one of Liverpool's many decent pubs, none of which are in or about Mathew Street.”

Office Bike says..“ What're you lookin' at?”

Dig says..“ Office Bike your grammar is terrible. Tut tut. I shall bend you over my knee.”

adamant says..“ This is a warning to anybody in Liverpool who enjoys good food to stay away from The Restaurant Bar and Grill. On all fronts this place fails to come up to the mark. I was unfortunate to make my second visit to this place on Saturday 19 July on a birthday party with 12 friends. On my first visit some months earlier I had the pleasure of having a bottle of red wine poured down my back whilst sat at a table only centimeters away from the rat run to the toilet. On that occasion the waiter/maitre d' kindly compensated us with a lovely bottle of the cheapest wine on the menu but I don't really want to talk about that visit, my visit on Saturday being the one I'm here to report. Arriving at 8.30pm for a 9.30 table, our party had a few drinks at the bar. Eventually we were asked to our table at 9.45pm, no reason given for the delay. Ordering wine and champagne - no problem. Our food orders were taken 25 minutes later, 5 minutes after the olives and 'bread' arrived. Poor quality bread. Starters were served an hour and a half after sitting down. I ordered risotto of smoked haddock which arrived as a dried, congealed lump almost cremated on the hotplate. Sure enough the waiter took it back and returned with a watery mass of mushy rice. Not wanting to ruin my friend's party I bit my tongue and decided to give it another chance. The mains arrived a full 2 hours and 10 minutes after being seated. I ordered halibut. This was overcooked and rubbery and the accompanying asparagus was stone-cold. I have to emphasise, however that the service of the wine was excellent throughout and our glasses were never empty. The Restaurant Bar and Grill are very efficient at supplying a steady flow of alcohol. The fact that the chef doesn't know how to make a risotto or cook fish is obviously of lesser importance to this establishment. The final straw came when a waiter, who when earlier asked a question said he couldn't speak English, proceeded to fall over and smash a variety of plates and glasses almost in a friend's lap splashing all kinds of stuff all over him. A maitre d' going by the name of Robert plonked himself next to me and acknowledged what a poor experience it had been, kindly allowed us two bottles of wine on the house and, with a nudge and a wink, offered to 'look after' me on my next visit to this wonderful eatery if I asked for him by name on arrival. I won't be accepting this bribe as I won't be going again. What really gets up my nose about this whole sorry affair is that this level of service and mismanagement would not be allowed anywhere else. What you have here is a company not cut out to serve good food but having the nerve to charge fine-dining prices. They have no problem separating honest, hardworking scousers of their hard-earned but have the arrogance to regard us with contempt. If this happened in one of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants the chef would be sacked and the maitre d' would also be looking for work the next day. This experience cannot be an isolated incident, as five of our party would never return again. Those of you out there who have had a similar experience, speak out against it and those who haven't had the pleasure yet, don't sit there in silence in true scouse sufference. Be suspicious of establishments trading on reputations not hard-won, more by getting the punters bladdered so that they don't notice the difference. The Restaurant Bar and Grill is preying on the good nature and attitude of the people of Liverpool and laughing. We expect better. ”

Phil Redmond says..“ TALENT. You've either got it (like me, obviously) or you haven't. Culture Secretary Andy Burnham is a young lad with talent too. He's just made me boss of the Museums in Liverpool.

So stuff you Loyd Grossman, a here-today, gone-tomorrow pasta sauce maker. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

That David Fleming has been as nice as pie with me ever since I got the job. And his wife Alison, who Sir Diddy once hired as his own personal spin doctor. Or Nurse. As the case may be. But a lovely lady - and very well connected at the Beeb. Do you know - she put her own name forward for that job! Some front, eh?

Talent will always out. That's what I thought when I first came up with the great idea of having a giant talent contest at the Echo Arena. I was watching the X-Factor at my place in the country when the light suddenly went off in my head. I know, I thought, watching Simon Cowell grinnining away like a maniac, I could pinch his idea lock, stock and barrel and I bet those gullible Scousers will fall for it. And how right I was. Don't you see?

Get a few thousand deluded, deranged or desperate people to turn up at the Arena, patronise them like crazy for the day, pick someone half decent, give them a grand of council taxpayers money as a prize and a walk-on part in Hollyoaks and...(Sir) Bob (Scott's')s your uncle!

The winner is all smiles, thinks they are about to do a Will Young world tour (whatever happened to him by the way?) and owes eternal gratitude to yours truly.

I smile modestly and give lots of TV and radio interviews to gullible, uncritical journalists while carefully preening my hair and affecting a thick Scouse accent and a chirpy bloke-next-door-demeanour.

And the losers? Well they've all had a nice day out at the Dock haven't they? What's the problem? And what's more, its all about community engagement! With 2,000 people queuing up outside the Arena on a wild goose chase, no-one on the blogosphere or anywhere else, can possibly claim there has been no community engagement in 08. It's a win-win for yours truly! Told you I had talent.

Yet another success in my special year to add to all my other successes - Ringo, and Paul, and my museum jobbie, and the craven Echo's unquestioning support, and my song for Liverpool, and my superlambananas, and my do-it-yourself bench contest.

What more could people want? Bread and circuses?

Culture has provided true engagement. It has been truly life changing. Thanks to me. This is what I mean when I say that Liverpool will stage the best ever Capital of Culture.

No one gives a toss about the other Capitals of Culture anyway. Where was it last year? Where is the next one going to be? In 2009? No-one has got the foggiest. So they can't be that difficult for us to beat can they? Despite the council's best efforts at cocking it all up.

But with the talent we have here on the banks of the Mersey, talented people like me can really put Liverpool on the global map for the first time ever in our great history.

My close mate Mike McCartney was right when he said there was more talent in the Liver Bird's little toe than in any other city in the world. Obviously true.

More talent than New York.

Or Los Angeles.

Or Brasilia.

Or Berlin. And more talent than Bejing, this week.

Obviously.

And Mike and my good showbiz, celebrity friends Les Dennis and Clare Sweeney will do a great job in judging that talent, giving it a chance and taking the city forward to a brighter future. Where everyone can aspire to being a Sinatra impersonator. To do that, takes real talent.

”

Mark says..“ Very funny, Lord Redmond. You should write a column.”

Anonymous says..“ I was out on Saturday night for a mates Birthday. we visited THE BIG HOUSE on lime street. as I was waiting for my friends to come out I witnesed an argument with the MALE bouncers on the Door with two well dresses women who apparently had there drink yaken from the as a mistake. the were man handled they were spst at they were even called a FAT T--T and the real blow below the belt was the youngest BOUNCER of the all said to one hey you YOU OLD PENSIONER shouldnt you be at HOME WITH CANCER riddled through yer.I Have to wonder what type of men do there Job know we all know THEY are SCUM and god help us some ones SON ”

Dig says..“ Are you dyslexic Anonymous? I know someone who can help you with your spelling, grammar and articulation. Do you speak as you spell and write? You must sound crazy when you open your mouth. Poor little fella. You can be helped. I promise.”

Anonymous says..“ Dig I wrote My artical when I was so upset over what I had witnessed. At the Big House (vines) but you my poor big man!!! No excuse for rudeness. And if I did have a problem!!! I would not now write on this page. ”

Dig says..“ There is no rudeness in my blog. Merely an observation and an offer for help. If it is not required then that's great. Well done you..”

Prof Chucklebutty says..“ The weasel words of the Echo

With their stomach churning scouseology claptrap, their obsession with minor celebrity and patronising editorial, it cannot help but give rise to a sense of glee when they now finally come under attack for doing the very same thing they have been whinging about in others and taking jobs out of the city. What no campaign or Editorial about how we must keep these jobs in Liverpool? Our great heritage?

The self appointed champions of Liverpool. Your Echo! Ha! The Oldham Chronic more like.

They set themselves up as the moral voice and defender of the city and weep for every threat to jobs but now they themselves take away the livelihoods of their own loyal staff. So why should anyone believe their loyalty to the city?

They cry their crocodile tears now only for the negative publicity.

Perhaps they really believe their own propaganda and cannot comprehend that people could turn against them. More likely, they have underestimated the intelligence of their readers who can still spot a phoney see that this is just wrong. Especially coming from this lot, our heroes and defenders.

But people can now see that it is all lies and marketing gimmicks. Give the idiots what they want create a phoney sense of belonging and that will sell the rag. They will think we are all a family and enough of them will buy into this rubbish.

It seems the only person they have that has any journalistic integrity is Mr Bartlett who writes for the Post. He will often cover stories of major local political interest that simply do not appear in the Echo or at best in a very watered down version. This suggests that the Echo views its own readership as idiots.

The editor's feeble excuse is that they are doing this for us, the people of Liverpool to give us the print quality we deserve and they can only do it in Oldham. Isn’t that magnificent? They are prepared to do this for us. The greatest happiness for the greatest number. .

Well we can’t allow you to make this sacrifice for us Mr McCreep, so lets have a readers vote, after all, you like things like that.

Lets ask the readers; Are we all happy to put up with the current standard of printing and save the jobs of our loyal Echo printers, or are we all really desperate to have high pixel photos of assorted planks from HollyOaks, that we would prefer to throw these people out of work with a major recession on the horizon?

If nothing else, their hypocrisy is now exposed. I hope that those readers who have not had their brains suffocated by the drip, drip, drip of fairyland scouseness the selective readers letters (Bradley’s Mum for Christ sake) and abysmal poems, as well as the complete hogwash and hype for the most mediocre events will continue to tell the Editor exactly what they think of his feeble paper and weasel words. ”

Tricky Woo says..“ The Echo: Speaking up for Merseyside. Yeah. Right.”

Kirkby lad says..“ damn right, Prof!”

Weasel says..“ Professor, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm almost glad they've finally blown their cover but it's a shame the printers are paying the price.”

Dig says..“ Lets boycott the Echo until they agree to stay in the city. It's an absolute joke. I'm sure they have their (financial) reasons but what about their morals and dignity? Moving to Oldham removes any morals or dignity. Moving to Oldham is the final nail for me. I echo The Profs sentiments about Scouseology claptrap and fairyland Scouseness. I only bought it because it was a Scouse institution. Not any more. I certainly didn't buy it for the quality of it. Pete Price? Joe Riley? What a laugh. Delusions of grandieur. After the outcry about Everton (talking) about moving out of the city why did The Echo think they could get away with it?You'll be selling your papers in Liverpool but you'll be leaving your soul in Greater Manchester. Bye bye Echo.”

Dig says..“ I understand there is a slight contradiction in my rant but I know what I meant. Scouse institution/ Scouse claptrap. It can be an institution and spout claptrap at the same time.”

Stanley Street says..“ I can't boycott it as I don't buy it. The Echo is rubbish, the spelling and grammar leave a lot to be desired, I have no interest in footie or the Beatles nostalgia industry (and there’s precious little else in it) I certainly don't want middle-class incomers lecturing me on 'scouseness' and modern newsprint doesn't burn so I can't even light the fire with it.

However a popularly-supported Sun-style boycott by those who do might have some effect in keeping it local and making it a better paper worthy of our city and culture. I remember in the 1970s when the Echo was a broadsheet the letters page was full of correspondents using Latin and classical Greek noms de plume. I doubt such letters would be printed today because the editors couldn’t understand them.”

Prof says..“ Dig, it is nothing compared to the contradiction that is the Echo. The paper is now exposed as just another commodity and latterly a propaganda rag for the Resistable Rise of Redmondo Huey. I would't lump Mr Riley in with all of the worst aspects, he will have a go but it is his voice and often knockabout in style rather than the editorial exposing or commenting on the real issues about allegations of corruption and lies. They can esily switch their local folksy rubbish to the people of Oldham and they are welcome to it. Let them suffer the morons who will soon be wasting a fortune on the as yet unlisted compulsive disorder to cover the entire house in illuminated tat for christmas.”

prof says..“ but don't lose sight of anger towards the weasel Echo. let them know what you think!”

Tony says..“ not just jobs, but Trinity weekly papers on Merseyside closing too http://www.holdthefrontpage.co.uk/news/080908shakeup.shtml”

Dig says..“ I buy the Echo almost every day. But no more. It's only today thinking about it how much there is in it I don't like. Joe Riley being one of them. But that's just my opinion Prof. Mike Torpey is a human cliche of Top Gear talk in the 70's proportions. It journos needs a radical shake up and the powers that be there need a major shake down. The Liverpool Echo, the voice of Merseyside, the betrayer of Merseyside people.”

Knowledgeable says..“ There are a lot of problems with the Echo. But I don't see why I should point them out. ”

queen of drive says..“ Having spent the weekend mainly standing among a sea of children held aloft by their fathers' shoulders waiting for a princess to move/arrive I have to say I am dissapointed,the princess herself was magnificient but temperamental as she was always late and then held no surprises or excitement, i have attended most of the big events in Liverpol since the launch of the CoC and this was the least interesting and i suspect, the most exoensive. My huge concern was the lack of safety and the amazement that no-one was killed or injured, unless you know bettr. This comes at a time of the 2nd Anniversary of the ban on flypoting in our City resulting in many independant event organisers unable to publicise their details and so the demise of the original and the different was started,yours Her majesty.”

John Lennon Airport says..“ Queen of Drive: Could you rant on the appropriate article which Mr Vincent Lawrenson Woods has written about La Princesse. We are talking about the Echo on here. ”

Pat says..“ The onloy encouraging thing about this is the small number of people on the ECHo's own forums who have kicked off and are having a go. But they are a tiny minority - as i suspect are the people ranting here.”

Dig says..“ I suspect it is only a tiny majority who feel they have a moral and a standard as to how they would like The Echo to abide by. We would be pissing ourselves if The MEN was printed in Knowsley.”

Jake says..“ The fact that the Echo are not printing in Knowsley only goes to prove that there isn't a God.”

Dig says..“ Hello Prof. Any chance I could blag some tickets for one of your shows in The Phil at the end of the year? I do realise I will have to show my true identity to a fellow LC ranter but be that as it may, I'm willing to sacrifice that. It's a small price to pay for happiness. ”

Dig says..“ 'Glorious Lights of the Souls' at the old Pilkingtons warehouse on Sparling Street is fantastic. I would really recommend seeing it. When the lights start it certainly has the 'wow factor'.”

professor chucklebutty says..“ By Jove Missus, I have just watched Friday’s Newsnight Review live from our very own Capital of Custard, and presented by the always delicious, Kirsty Paxman.

He really does look lovely in a frock, totally convincing. You’d never believe it was him. But I have to tell you, I was not happy with the content. The content of the programme I mean, not the frock, well it depends on how far he has gone I suppose…. (edit this bit, note from Mrs C, it’s not Paxman, it’s the woman from the Antiques Show, who was married to David “Barking Hunt” Dickinson, she thinks, unless it’s Gavin Dressler)

So anyway, as usual the city was let down by the BBCs choice of interviews with the man in the street, some of whom, even I could tell, were obviously women! In fact some were not in the street at all, they were on a boat! You just can’t trust the BBC anymore.

Where do they find these people to interview? One woman said that for her, the highlight of the year was now being able to shop at the new Debenhams! Well I suppose they do have a very good wool counter.

There have been many memorable events that I would have been happy to list for Kirsty, if I could recall them. Where’s me programme? Ah, by Jove yes, there was the erm, Klimt Eastwood Exhibition, Dusty Creamfields, or The Chas and Dave Festival, the squirty spider thing with those French buggers who wouldn’t get up in the morning, the magical mystery Paul Daniels' Anfield Concert, The return of Tall Chips, we had the chance to Design a Lovely Bench for Oldham and the various charity executive marathon runners in the 240k, 340k 500k.

They raised a huge amount for their personal charities. By Jove what athletes they were, being able to run carrying all that weight. No not you Nadia, good heavens no, it’s pointless you running anywhere again. Well not unless it’s running up a slate at Sayers. Now that’s what I call a Credit Munch! But God bless you madam for doing all you can to keep them in business, even if you are still a toxic bundle.

There is still so much more to come in Custard year before the cancelled closing ceremony which has been labelled The Custav Skint Exhibition, and there will be a big pantomime finale as we bid farewell to the Chuckle Brothers. That’s being organised by the Standards Board so there should be enough money left for the stamp.

Yes we will all miss Wally and Dickie Mint, and now their agent may even retire with them. That hasn’t been confirmed as yet, but Mr Harbottle tells me an email has been sent.

But anyway Missus, the Newsnight Review on Grotty Cash spent far too much time on other things. Most of the first half was spent discussing the new cinema version of Birkenhead Revisited and if the actor playing Softbastian was as good he was on the telly. That was all lost on me, I get all these serials confused - Jewel In The Crowd, Massage to India, Up the Elephant and Round the Castle - I suppose it's because Charles “my boomerang wont come back" Dance was in all of them.

I prefer the more genteel sagas I think, like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Coathanger Abbey and of course Anfield Park. Of course the author, Ethel Austen, was from Liverpool you know, by Jove yes! She did other action stuff for the telly as well. The Persuasions, remember that? Lord Brett Sinclair and Tony Curtains? Marvellous.

They spoke to that Simon Throttle who used to be conductor at the Phil. He annoyed me with that Harry Enfield Scouser wig. A word of advice, just because you are playing in an Oompah band in Berlin now, don’t be coming back here trying to be funny at Liverpool's expense. For one thing, it doesn’t work without the moustache and for your information Mr Throttle, the saying is

"Calm Down-Calm Down" not "Ohh Sibelius-Sibelius" Sounded more like Dick Emery.

Anyway what are you doing in Berlin? They’re the buggers who dropped that bomb in my back garden. Ask them about reparations for me will you?

I suppose I should go easy on him, after all he did pay me a huge personal compliment with his musical choice, Wagner’s Buttyjammerung. What a lovely gesture. It certainly made me embarrassed about the gesture I made when he walked on. Really though, he should have picked another ring piece as I think it is still too early for The Twighlight of The Blogs. Although it won’t be too long before Libdemmerung. It is a shame they didn’t use the opportunity to get a dig in at Professor Rednose of Brookside and his ridiculous appointment as Chair of the World Aquarium and Bughouse, by performing Wagner’s The Flying Grossman.

The Review panel didn’t know what to make of Throttle night either. Mind you Missus, I felt the same way about the review panel.

I have to say Missus, that Newsnight review is not as good without a comic turn from Tom Paulin. He always had us in stitches, writhing on his chair and wringing his hands and sobbing over the way Trevor Nunn’s latest production at the National had given… Aunt Aggie a submissive role in her relationship with Desperate Dan, losing much of the pathos from the original writing and the intrusive and unnecessary modernity in the replacement of the Cow-pie - a very central masculine metaphor for the desire to consume the mothers womb - with a crate of Stella. Well something like that.

Anyway, on the panel we had Frankie goes to Hollyoaks, front man, Jolly Johnstone and Liverpool actor and star of Vision-on Tony Hart, who seemed to be struggling with three accents and a prop hat. The woman who was on the original Custard awards panel was also on but I can’t remember her name - she looks like Mariella Frostbite. Last of all, some film director who didn’t like the Eric’s and Ernie show at the Everyman saying he hated the songs but then recommended the show, which seemed a bit pointless since it’s a musical! Must have been worried about his fee. But really! Who can’t resist singing along with Bring Me Sunshine? They all seemed to have difficulty with the action for Eric’s and Ernie being set around two old men sitting in deckchairs but nevertheless, said it was still nice to be out.

Frankie said he couldn’t stand the first half of Throttles gig at the Philharmonic and had only gone hoping to see the man pop up with the big organ and then see a film. They all got fed up at the end they said when Throttle kept coming back on stage, milking it, as they were trying to get their coats on and get to the pub for last orders.

Speaking of pubs, Missus, the panel was less than positive about Architecture when they went to see the new Cainsboozer Exhibition in the crypt. Well let me tell you, that The Booze Brothers has been one of the most successful theatrical productions Liverpool has ever seen, even more than Educating Peter. And Michael Caines was in that too! They should do the Booze Brothers for Christmas, Sir Diddy could return as the mini-moocher.

I do love the theatre, settling into your seat as the house lights go down, so long as that Joe Riley doesn’t keep me awake with his snoring. I am very much looking forward to the forthcoming production of King Lear, and very excited about the fact that it will star one of our finest actors in the title role as Larry King, yes missus, none other than the marvellous Pete Postgate. He of course was the man who played Mr Pogle in collaboration with Ivor Wood in the 1960s “Pogles Wood”. I think Judi Dentures was Mrs Pogle and Richard Harris was Plant. (a bit too fond of the Billberry Wine I recall) I hear a rumour that Dame Judi may be re-united with him for the play in the role of daughter, Des D’Oconnor.

Yes we are still awash with events to come and still whitewashing the rest.

For me now I think the wonderful Mr Pete Wylie from The band Yer Wha? has made the greatest contribution to 2008 which is probably far more representative of the views of Liverpool people and captures the culture and spirit of the city. I am talking of course about his engaging new song, “The Day that Margaret Thatcher dies” Now some people have used the words cruel and distasteful, well they are absolutely right. She was! Let’s hope it gets to number one for Christmas. Mind you missus, if there is an afterlife, just imagine the look on Denis’ face when he sees her heading towards him….through the flames.

So Custard lovers, don’t ever let anybody tell you that Grotty cash won’t remain a Capital for Custard long after 2008. There is a popular phrase that has been used many times to describe this year. People have usually associated it with Mr Ricky Tomlinson, but I can now confirm that following my own academic research, studying and translating ancient Greek texts that the phrase was actually coined by the lady who modelled for great artist Michaelangelo, whilst working on the Venus De Milo - “ Sculpture? My arms!” ”

christ mandys back says..“ thanks professor,had no idea that there had been anything about liverpool on newsnight.i am just of to watch it will return with a conciderd and intelligent review.”

christ mandys back says..“ just sat down with a nice cupper to watch fridays newsnight. all going well until they said they were going to the liverpool review.then up pops hope you have enjoyed this.. eh? well my considered (yes i know i spelt it wrong last time)opinion newsnight is an ass why did they cut the liverpool piece for tv on demand. knickers to them!”

Professor Chucklebutty says..“ That's the problem with this new fangled stuff. Fortunately, I recorded it on my Thomas Edison wax cylinder. At least you have my reliable and comsidered review of the review above. If you want pictures too they are on Capital of Custard. Knickers to Paxman if my theory is correct. ”

Stinky Ink Bartlett says..“ Following your Re-Lunch on Monday, is it true that if I want to print off a page from Liverpool Continental, I will have to do it in Oldham? If yes, can I quilt you on that? And can you explain the "No Teeth project?" How will you continue with your restuarant reviews. this isn't Gumtree you know? If you are only going to concentrate on the good and positive, how will I know if the sausages are off? ”

David Lloyd Centre says..“ What re-lunch, Stinky, old bean? Are you coming over to do a bit of moonlighting from the Oldham Chronic?”

Alistair MacCrap says..“ Is this not the "Voice of Liverpool?"”

Sly Bailey says..“ 10 things to do before I move to Oldham.

1) Move to Oldham. Er, that's it for now...”

Oldham Bill Bailey says..“ 2) Shag Cyril Smith. Oh no, he's in Rochdale isn't he?”

Jimmy McCorkhill says..“ 3) practise my golf swing on (sleeping) Joe Riley's paunch”

Paul Tergeist says..“ 4)Sneak up on Tom Slemen with a sheet over me,tap him on the shoulder and shout Boo! See how bloody smart he is then eh? ”

Phil Hasitall says..“ 6) Finish me CSE maths”

Lttle Miss Echo says..“ How do you do hello, hello. Things to do before I move to Oldham 5)Move the Liverbird logo to the right of the banner and claim it is a re-launch. New look same toss.”

Dig says..“ I'm back I'm back Angie. Sorry for my temporary defection. Conversation a little faster there. Nobody said anything here for hours! ”

Tom Tubigrip says..“ Oldham is The home of the Tubigrip Bandage!”

Barack is a scouser - oh yeah? says..“ From the Atticus column in the Sunday Times:

A Scottish newspaper reported the Titanic’s fate, so it’s said, under the magnificent headline: “Aberdeen man missing at sea”. This grand tradition still flourishes at the Liverpool Echo, which has reported proudly: “Barack Obama’s road to the presidency started 150 years ago on the banks of the Mersey, when his great, great, great-grandfather sailed to the United States to look for a better life.” See also property supplement for Great, Great, Great-Grandson of Liverpool Man to Move House. ”

BIG DIG by Reggie McGough says..“ A Poem for Capital Of Custard By Reggie McGough

The Big Dig

Who said the streets was paved with gold? I think it’s time that we were told

And if that’s why we’ve all put up With half the city being dug up?

They drilled into our very soul And everywhere you look – a hole

And when they finish, crowds of men Come and dig it up again

To lay new cable or new pipes that add to all the drivers gripes

In Whitechapel, a man called Rex fell down one hole and ripped his kecks

Rex took his case to court and found outside his office, no legal ground

I’m sorry Rex, the Judge did say They’ve taken all your grounds away

He left the court beyond console And fell into another hole

Unwilling to accept defeat the case of Rex vs ex parte Street.

Bur he’ll go to court another day If only he can pave the way ”

The Ballad Of Dig and Pinny says..“ Another poem by Reggie McCough

When two ranting people one day met

through comments on the internet

a pastry chef, selling food in a bar

and a salesmen, flogging a Japanese car

a breakfast best of three debate

that turned into a dinner date

Sausage and Bacon, egg and hash brown,

tomatoes,mushrooms,the talk of the town

and as they to put love to the test

they got advice, so to look their best.

A meeting with Susannah and Trinny

to find the best haute couture pinny

Turtle Wax, the ladies both said

not for the car,for his baldy head

A woman called Pinny a man called Dig

A romance that began with the death of a pig. ”

London Road says..“ Bloody genius. Love it!”

watching with interest says..“ i think that reggie mccough may have started something.i reckon by the end of the week the ballad of dig and pinny will be fifty verses long.genius indeed”

Dig says..“ A romance that began with the death of a pig. I don't know what it is but all my romances seem to start like that. I'll have to stop stalking farm hands. ”

silver tiara says..“ Liverpool is burning!! at the Adelphi do you have any fotos on this WONDERFUL event???m i wanna see if there are any pics of ME!!!!! ”

alan r. says..“ I remember when I was a kid we had no shoes and me mam would give us sugar butties (if we had any sugar, or bread). Me dad was a hard man who loved his woodbines, a drink, and a bet on the gee gees as he called them. When me mam died he married me auntie Cissy and we was brother and sister with me cousins. It was really strange but we were happy because we made our own games and had sing songs on sunday when there was no joint in the oven. When Cissy passed on me Dad said that he missed me mam more than ever and wouldnt let me sister go out with boys till she was 21. Those were great days all right.”

Anonymous says..“ taxi drivers are hardly gourmets! these sort of people wont appreciate fine dining but probably want masses of greasy junk food washed down with cheap lager. sorry cabby if you want rubbish, eat out of a bin.”

mal jones says..“ Cabbies are scruffy and there cabs are always dirty. try and find a clean cab or cabby (shold be called scabbies i reckon)”

Anonymous says..“ we should have a dedate about that bleedin tram that is going to cost the City a fortune”

christmas mary says..“ get down to bold st and check put the lamby nativity in utility.its the best christmas window in town.”

Maria says..“ Hii... please do you guys know something about The Room???is it close forever ???”

Tommy Martin says..“ The anorexic Daily Post, now printed in faraway Oldham, has launched a campaign to save the Jaguar plant at Speke. In the spirit of goodwill, shouldn't Liverpool Confidential launch a campaign to save the Daily Post?”

Anonymous says..“ I joined Liverpoolconfidential, as living in N.Wales, I wanted to know whats on in Liverpool.If I felt the same about Manchester I'd join that. But I dont. You have far too much about Manchester on the lpool site.”

Anonymous says..“ I joined Liverpoolconfidential, as living in N.Wales, I wanted to know whats on in Liverpool.If I felt the same about Manchester I'd join that. But I dont. You have far too much about Manchester on the lpool site.”

Lord Street says..“ I have no desire to win a session of "private karaoke" (allegedly worth £120) but the competition got me thinking about stirring singalong songs and I came up with:-

1. The Song of the Soviet Army - Red Army Choir

2. Sailor – Petula Clark

3. The Soldier’s Dream – Josef Locke

4. The Drinking Song from the Student Prince – Mario Lanza

5. Sacred War – Red Army Choir

6. Aqua Marina – Garry Miller

7. Tomorrow Belongs to Me – the cast of ‘Cabaret’

8. Bloody Mary – the cast of ‘South Pacific’

9. The Dam Busters’ March – Eric Coates

10. Theme song from ‘Follyfoot’

11. Stranger in Paradise – Tony Bennett

12. Twilight Time - The Ink Spots

How these songs sustained in the dark times when the bar was too busy! I wonder if Professor Chucklebutty has some favoured toe-tapping tunes he might care to relate to us? ”

Anonymous says..“ well,well,well,Jane Kennedy has been up to some naughty tricks,by having her local bruser on her payroll and did not declare she was giving him a cut of her massive tax payers £83,367 allowance.Is this not the same thing that tory MP David Conway did by putting members of his partner on the payroll.See page 14 Mail on Sunday.”

Angry of Aigburth says..“ Wasn't she the one parachuted by Labour H.Q. to prevent the re-election of Terry Fields?”

Correspondent says..“ Angry of Aigburth, indeed she was. Not just that, she was Kinnock's dutiful cheerleader in the city when attacking a Labour council was seen to be more important than fighting Thatcher. The rules on registering family members who are employed by MPs have been in force since August. Kennedy registered her partner late last week. For five months she was in clear breach of the rules. And she used to accuse Militant of dishonesty?!”

Anonymous says..“ ...what could be more romantic than treating your beloved to a burger or a burrito this Valentine's Day? If you mean at Barburrito I could think of any number of things 1) Inserting red hot pins in their eye 2) Dumping them for their best mate 3) Supper with a senile elderly relative 4) Serving up cold vomit soup need I go on? Poor show confidential. ”

Editorial says..“ Our tongue was firmly in our cheek about the romantic nature of this prize.”

Liverpool Wag says..“ How much can you let me have some sort of Honda vehicle that will transport all the camping gear, two adults, two kids and a dog for, Dig?”

Dig says..“ Give me a call with your requirements and I'll see what I can do for you. 01517098261. My real name is Phil.”

Angry of Aigburth says..“ Have you considered asking Felix from Viz Comic if you might borrow his 'Amazing Hondapants', Wag?”

Dig says..“ Forget Hondapants. Most Honda cars have VSA to minimise skids. ”

Liverpool Wag says..“ I said the kids, not the skids...”

Dig says..“ I didn't misread Wag. Jazz, Civic, FRV & CRV would all fit the bill I think Wag. The Jazz is very popular. We have magazines/brochures on all of our range. Would you like me to post a Jazz mag to you?”

Vauxhall Victor Sylvester says..“ Don't give him the address Wag. he came round to show me his brochures and I left him alone for a minute to make a drink. When I came back the budgie was gone and he was sitting there with a feather in the corner of his mouth and one floating down onto his head. He also shoved a load of beaks down the side of the couch so he's obviously got form.”

Dig says..“ Spare a tought for our wonderful CoC team of 107 people at Millenium House. Within a fornight they will all be unemployed along with a good few more council staff from various departments. Let's hope that redeployment register can cope with the mass unmployments there are soon to be. ”

Eddie says..“ Has anybody seen a brilliant band called Northerndaze. I caught them at the Kicking Donkey in Ormskirk and would love to know where they are due to appear next??”

Mangetout says..“ Last evening I had a splendid two-course “pre-theâtre” nosh-up at modest cost in the Bistro Jacques on Hardman Street before popping across the road to see ‘Of Time and the City’ at the Philharmonic Hall. The coq au vin was tender and delicious. Is this place just not trendy enough to attract Liverpool Confidential’s reviewers? The service was as good as you could want (certainly better than that Bar and Grill place on Brunswick Street) and at least one of the waiters was actually French. And the gents toilet in Bistro Jacques was much cleaner than that in Delifonseca.”

Editorial says..“ You may or may not be aware that Confidential's reviewer Fat Git, currently in hospital with a mystery illness, wrote a review of Bistro Jacques' sister restaurant, Bistro Pierre, last Valentine's Day. Left in his capable and somewhat fleshy hands, Git felt it would be prudent to provide a yawning gap before grappling with his appraisal of the food of love at Bistro Jacques, which he assures us he will attempt this Valentine's Day. Doctor's orders permitting, you understand.”

Mangetout says..“ The thing is, Bistro Jacques tables are both small and rustic in style. I doubt that Fat Git could get one of his flabby, elephantine legs under the table, never mind draw his chair up in order to eat. I doubt he’d get into the toilet! Haven’t you any slim, attractive lady reviewers, perhaps?”

Anonymous says..“ I hear Fat Git is having the water drained from his legs. ”

Pauline says..“ Fat Git specialises in getting his leg over, actually”

Mangetout says..“ Also, would Fat Git manage with the hard wooden chairs? Apart from being built like an enormous balloon full of water, being a taxi driver he is certain have painful and quite elaborate hæmorrhoids.

If you haven’t any dishy ladies on the staff, at least send a man of normal dimensions. How about that nice Mr. Pastry who wrote the feature about Turmeaus the tobacconist’s? He smokes cigars and sounds like a good egg! ”

Editorial says..“ Mr Pastry is not a slim attractive lady, not when we last looked anyway. Git is what you are getting. ”

Frank O'Foan says..“ “Gros Git pourrait-il s'adapter avec les chaises en bois dures? Indépendamment de l'construction comme un énorme ballon complètement de l'eau, étant un conducteur du taxi il est certain ont douloureux et les hæmorrhoids tout à fait raffinés et gargantuesques.”

C'est très drôle en effet! ”

Doctor Ruth says..“ I imagine that after bulky, ungainly lovemaking it is the only time someone says to Fat Git 'thanks for the tip'.”

D. Liver says..“ That's why he is always 'on the rank'. I suspect his mystery illness is something to do with his wrist.”

Professor Chucklebutty says..“ Dig, my dear friend are you up for us enetring the competition for the "Girls Night Out" this mob are running. It's at the Mal Nourishment, I know you like it there. if they don't let us win we can take them to the High Court for discrimination. I didn't burn my bra for nothing (a string one) alright I should have taken it off first. C'mon we could win this or get some compo.”

Professor Chucklebutty says..“ Dig, I know you'd be up for it so I have already entered us both. We should also enter for the Wonderbras as well since we may need to dress the part and we could use them as doggy bags. Do you still have those court shoes? I think Mrs Cs converse trainers won't go with the trapeze dress and anyway they'd be too big for you. I'll wear the usual Katie Boyle original and the football boots. We'll knock em dead. We should charge them for the photo spread as well and check them first as they usually make people look bog-eyed and that seems to ruffle feathers if you say anything. ”

Dig says..“ Great idea Prof. I've entered us as well. Just to give us a better chance of winning I've changed my real name from Phil to Philippa so don't tell anyone incase my moniker is rumbled!”

London Road says..“ Who is this Monica who you are rumbling?”

Stafford Street says..“ Is it one of the Cheeky Girls?”

Blacksheep says..“ If you want to see real raw talent, seek out Northerndaze who are gigging all over the area. Go to to their website at myspace.com/northerndaze and let everybody know what you think.”

TATTYHEAD says..“ I THOUGHT SLUG AND LETTUCE IN SOUTHPORT WAS CLOSED DOWN ?”

Cliff Edge-Hill says..“ Why must it be a girls' night out with Sue Jenkins, Cathy Tyson and Jennifer Ellison?

Sue Jenkins was in my old favourite, the brilliant Beiderbecke Affair and Cathy Tyson once chatted to me in the top deck of an 82C bus before she was famous! ”

Shanks says..“ Please stop with the Cheshire Oaks brain washing, i give in, i believe!”

lilo lill says..“ Me to Shanks. Is this now Cheshire Oaks Confidential and i missed something???”

Helpful says..“ Bookmark this in your browser and it doesn't happen http://www.liverpoolconfidential.com/index.asp”

Sweeney Todd says..“ Please can Dig have his head shaved for Comic Relief?”

Dig says..“ Did you not think to ask me 1st Sweeney Todd? I might not want my head shaven. To be fair I will do it if we raise £100. Although I'm keeping £20 for a Chinese banquet from my chippy. It's not just those Africans that are staving you know? ”

Steve Lambert says..“ We're starting a Liverpool Wiki - a community created and edited guide to Liverpool - and we'd love to have your help. We just got started and we're working out of FACT for the next few days so come by or contribute online - http://liverpool.wikispot.org”

silver tiara says..“ SUPERLAMB BANANA!? mouflon !!! www.maltergalleries.com/.../nov2004/1101_1.jpg CHECK THIS OUT!”

Dan Staat says..“ Went to Plumleys, a little restaurant/cafe on College Road Crosby, last Sunday... Really looking for a good breakfast but instead got: coagulated mushy beans, cheap fatty sausages, burnt bacon and warm coffee and had to pay £1.25 extra for thin slithers of black pudding! Behind the facade of quaintness lies one of the worst things on God's gastronomic earth - a cheap and nasty caff masquerading as an olde worldy tea room. Avoid at all costs - and take yourself over to Moose instead where great service, fresh hot grub, and wonderful ambience comes for not much more than the direness that is Plumleys. ”

Moose Molloy says..“ Not 'Moose Coffee' in Oxton? Where orange people with bottle-blonde hair go to pass an hour or two waiting for service or at least someone to come and wipe the crumbs off the table?”

Mrs. McGurgle says..“ In your competition for Big Yellow Self Storage it was said that a third of people questioned would like to let their spare room to Paul McCartney!

Not in my house with his criminal record, thank you very much! I don’t want the Drugs Squad kicking my front door off its hinges at four o’clock in the morning! ”

Moose by name... says..“ It's the same at the Moose in Crosby, I'm afraid. ”

jonjoe says..“ Tommy T, I have had a good look around the city and I'm sorry to report that I can't find any hop-scotch events on anywhere! Sorry it's taken so long but I did have a good look!”

Warrior says..“ Now the light nights are here,we now have every little oik getting the ball out and trying to be a little Wayne Rooney,much to everyones concerns. This will mean no peace on the streets while the little Fookkers annoy everyone in sight by kicking a bloody ball around all hours of the day and night. Maybe we should ban ball games in the streets after 8pm. What does peeps think”

Dig says..“ I agree. That would keep the Peeping Toms quiet too.”

Liverpool Confidential says..“ Sorry everyone. Been moving office. Normal service to be resumed when we've put the kettle on.”

declan macmanus says..“ Anyone know an estate agents called BASE?, they have been taking rent from tenants and not passing it on to landlords, they have taken themselves out of the Association of Retail Lettings Agents, and no one can get a straight word out of them - anyone know what the story is with them?”

Dig says..“ What a nice bloke Alan Bleasdale is and what great taste in cars he has too. ”

Two-wheel drive says..“ I'd put Alan Bleasedale down as a Fiat Punto. Willy Russell as a Passat and Reggie McCough as a Nissan Bongo.”

Plum McDuff says..“ This production is really good but it somehow slipped through the LivConf net: http://www.hillbarkplayers.co.uk/ ”

usha says..“ why are tens thousands pounds being spent altering a school FOR ONE boy when there is a purpose build school nearby?”

usha says..“ one to one attention for children is called having parents that care”

usha says..“ As were thickets for the War Requiem which hardly ever performed. Can Ruritania commision a Requiem for Our City Council? Would be good to gibe them a splendid send off”

Dig says..“ Where's the Public Enemies review gone? I was going to complain about the lack of a mention of my old friend and Kirkby kidder Stephen 'Dutchie' Graham who portrays Baby Face Nelson in the film. ”

Editorial says..“ It's back now Dig. Don't know how that happened (Tamar!)”

Skint Taxpayer says..“ Sir Diddy Henshaw is back in town!”

lisa says..“ Word of advice for any readers thinking of going to the panoramic restaurant. Dont! Its overpriced, overrated, the food isn't all that and the staff are up their own backsides. All in all 'fur coat and no knickers'”

Ebenezer says..“ I have done something to my jaw while eating a pannini from the Italian Club. Not balming them, but I may have busted it. Any ideas?”

Sir Walter Raleigh says..“ About an hour ago I found the website for 'By Invitation Only – with Carolyn Hughes'. I am still weeping with laughter at it! ”

Chumki says..“ Proposed Tesco, Hope Street

Guess you have all heard about this and the rapidly growing Facebook which opposed the store.

I myself was inspired to write to Tesco's C.E.O. as below.

My letter includes details of the Facebook group should you wish to get involved.

F.A.O.SIR TERRY LEAHY
PROPOSED TESCO STORE
HOPE STREET, LIVERPOOL
Help us un-damage your brand

In support of ‘There is just something plain WRONG about a Tesco on Hope Street’
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=259254990413

I know that you are aware of this face book group started by someone I am proud to call an acquaintance and am writing in support of its sentiment but also to express my personal view.

I admire the fact that your company has stayed and supported Liverpool while many others who we would have welcomed, such as Selfridges and Waitrose did not have the courage to have faith in Liverpool.

However, I am loath to admit, especially to those of my many friends who support this campaign and whom like me, support local and seasonal produce and local enterprise, that I do frequent your stores. What they would call an aberration, on my part is often, motivated more by curiosity and wish full thinking than pleasure.

Also, like many of those who support the group, I am very protective of my surroundings which have and continue to be altered, sometimes without thought or reverence, for example Maghull’s proposals for buildings they have purchased on Hope Street.
http://www.heartandsoulrestaurant.co.uk/article.asp?pageid=NEWS&articlekey=118

I know how much my good friend Hilary Burrage, who set up the Hope Street Association, fought to establish a cultural quarter around Hope Street and was instrumental in a sympathetic regeneration of the street, which respected its history and original design and am full of admiration for what her struggle achieved. I would be loath for any of that work to be undermined or disregarded.
http://www.hilaryburrage.com/2006/07/a_new_public_realm_for_liverpo.php

Liverpool city centre is my home, where I live, where I walk, where I work, where I shop, where I eat, where I party, where I hope, in short, my life and I grieve when me, my community and our needs, both practically and aesthetically are not considered or are disregarded.

As your stores have mushroomed around me, I have gone in to investigate, in the hope that you will use the new stores to try something different that inspires and addresses our needs giving us what is sorely lacking, variety and access to local seasonal produce but am invariably disappointed and increasingly bored by what is on offer. I have tried to love your stores because I love food and want to be inspired but, the only thing I have found inspiring is the quirks of your various Liverpool city centre stores.

There is the store with an admirably eccentric buying policy and very little idea of stock control which results in the most extraordinary special offers .Though delighted and astonished to pick up chopped liver, smoked cod roe paste and a whole box of avocados or field of fennel at knock down prices I was equally disappointed to find no loose potatoes or bacon for days on end, strawberries which looked perfect but tasted of pink water and peaches obviously ‘ripened’ in storage which were the texture and taste of cotton wool. However the numerous staff are very helpful and will seemingly order in anything to grace the shelves, if requested, having got over the tendency to linger round in groups with seemingly little direction, while the Tannoy announces ‘Back gate arrival. No one in attendance’.

At least they have attended a better school of etiquette than what I term the Gestapo Tesco where I fear being frisked on entry and departure by the security guard on his podium, forced to enter a one way, trolley bumper car war down narrow and winding, yet redesigned aisles, to be ignored by established gangs of till staff exchanging loud conversations over my head, about endless drinking bouts, while dropping my shopping on the floor. The art of rudeness has been perfected and is the perfect deterrent, even in dire emergency.

Then there is the tiny express store, the only one with the fore site to stock single big bottles of plain Volvic water both in and out the chiller but sometimes so lackadaisical in stocking shelves that there is NO white wine on display whatsoever and fruit is left to fester where it lies and whose whimsical staff have a penchant for disappearing into the stock room leaving vacant store and tills while the security guard is on constant smoke break outside. That certainly takes self service to new levels.

I could go on with my highly unscientific survey but my point was to illustrate how, though there is a place for Tesco as it stands, there is also an opportunity to really look at and address community needs. Maybe, give something back to us?

I speak from the perspective of someone who, together with a like-minded community, became so fed up with what was on offer in supermarkets and Liverpool restaurants that I started a restaurant, Heart and Soul in a Georgian building which I converted, coincidently round the corner from Hope Street. My restaurant concentrated on local and seasonal produce and believe me, the path to getting that sort of produce into the city centre was a long and arduous one though very rewarding in terms of customer support, appreciation and sheer taste.

In contrast to yours, the strawberries from a local farm were the sweetest ever, their fragrance filled the room and required no adornment. Similarly, the asparagus. Customers raved and enquired about simple things like the carrots and cauliflower, also sourced locally and as for the rare breed lamb, people just fell in love. Alright, things were very seasonal but every season had its stars and that is what people expected.

So, if we are to have a Tesco on Hope Street why not make this one a gift to the community, an experimental flagship giving us what we crave and have so little access to, fresh, local, seasonal produce and products made by smaller local producers. There are people here who would love to start an on-site artisan bakery, a Parisian style patisserie with home- made pastries and cakes and so on. These are things other cities have but we lack. You have had the guts to stick with Liverpool why not have the guts to listen to us and help you start something new.

At first I thought the motivation for so many Tesco stores was convenience but now it just seems like exploitation, without thought for our needs. A master plan rolled out without consideration of us, the people whom you seek to attract and hopefully serve.

I realise I don’t speak for everyone in what I say and you probably will dismiss this as a rant or an unachievable logistic disaster but I really do believe there is an opportunity here to have a Truly Tesco which truly cares for and supports its community.

If you can do that, I don’t think you would need signage on Hope Street, you would be the hidden gem supported by all of us. You wouldn’t need a car park or parking because so many of us travel by foot found this extraordinary city.

Unfortunately, your store would still face the horror that is the defacement of Josephine Butler House by developers, Maghull. The icing on the cake would be to have a permanent food market on that site, preserving some of the façade of the building as a historical reminder both of the building and its remarkable namesake.

If you do read this, I thank you and hope that it contributes, even in a small way, to how you decide to proceed with your Hope Street store.

Chumki Banerjee
A proud citizen of Liverpool City Centre
28 August 2009
Emailed to terry.leahy@tesco.com

Copied to:
billgleeson@dailypost.co.uk
andrewcampbell@liverpoolecho.co.uk
Posted on:
Skyscraper city

A. E. Scouseman says..“ When can we Liverpool Confidentail readers and contributors have our paragraphs back?”

Confidential Technical bod says..“ Paragraphs are an ongoing discussion A. E, but in the meantime, as a special favour for chumki....”

The Hood says..“ A thousand curses, International Rescue...”

Chumki says..“ Thank you so much for restoring my paragraphs for this novice ranter. Much appreciated. Was thinking of copying to your Tesco feature, as a comment, though doubt I can figure out how. Would that be OK? ”

Digby Doodles says..“ Velcro.... What a rip off. ”

The Old Gentleman from 'The Railway Children' says..“ £50m revamp for 'worst stations' Apart from the last ugly, drastic and inappropriate ‘modernisation’ after the IRA bomb and the Commonwealth Games, what exactly is wrong with Manchester Victoria Station? It is far more handsome and pleasant than 1960s eyesore Piccadilly a mile away. As for Liverpool Central Station, that’s awful because of the very recent ‘modernisation’ over the last few months which removed the ticket office and replaced it with a sweetshop and newsagents. So now passengers have to queue for a train ticket behind hordes of people buying sweets, magazines and cigarettes. It’s complete madness. Preston used to be a lovely station until it was made into an ‘open’ station in the 1990s. Previously it was a pleasure to use because it was open only to bona fide ticket holders who were actually using the trains; now one is persecuted by tramps, beggars and feral children, just like Liverpool Lime Street since its ‘modernisation’ at about the same time. What stations need are proper ticket offices sufficient for demand, decent, clean, sheltered waiting areas with adequate seating, proper cafés with chairs and tables (to avoid slippery and filthy spillage in the concourse from junk food) and floors that don’t need ‘Slippery when Wet’ notices. ”

Rocket says..“ How about bringing back steam trains as well. Bit of soot never harmed anybody.”

Mr. Chips says..“ Whatever happened to that superb rant about school closures?
It was here yesterday...”

Rusty Spike says..“ In terms of assistance to Haiti which is devastated and wrecked after that earthquake, one can only hope that the Governments of the day in the various Western capitals will have the courage to insist that all the obscene bonuses - stacked up in their millions, if not billions of UK£ and US$ - apparently heading the way of those crooked, avaricious bankers, who in another way brought down all our houses, will be confiscated and distributed to the desperate and the needy in that forsaken Caribbean island. I'll wager they wont, though, and the help will come from everyone else.”

Skidmarks 'n' Sperm says..“ There's nothing on Liverpool Confidential about Tesco in Old Swan banning scally women going in wearing their stinky, sweaty and stained jim-jams.
It's the current topic of national debate!”

Glad Stone says..“ There's nothing on Liverpool Confidential about the way the Liverpool Echo has tried to smear prospective parliamentary candidate Luciana Berger by saying she has poor local knowledge.
The fact that she doesn't know such irrelevant, archaic trivia such as who Bill Shankley was or who performed 'Ferry 'cross the Mersey' merely shows that she lacks knowledge of the tiresome rubbish that obsesses the Echo.
It does however seem to indicate that she is suited to a responsible, adult job like being a Member of Parliament. ”

Cambo says..“ It's OK! I'm not from Liverpool and neither are any of the people I work with but, hey, we're "speaking up for Merseyside" every day from Oldham”

Dig says..“ When the government lowered the VAT to 15%; they put duty on fuel up 2%; to offset the loss of tax from motorists. Now VAT is back up to 17.5%; this stealth tax hasn't been removed. Sign the petition on this link please guys and gals. Ta.

http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/DutyReduction/sign”

Flash Gordon says..“ "Stealth Tax"! Ho ho! Have you been reading the Daily Mail again, Digger?
It costs money to run the country even when you're not bailing out the bankrupt parasites of the banking sector to the tune of over £200,000,000,000! The smoking ban has reduced income from cigarette sales and killed off the pubs so no-one's buying beer either. They've got to find the money somewhere. I'd like a huge tax on baseball caps and training shoes.”

Dig says..“ Digger? Hmmmm who the devil are you? It's Digga by the way. I like the sound of that baseball cap and training shoe tax. Maybe extend it to legalising and taxing weed and putting a tax on Rizla too. ”

Dig says..“ Anybody have any ideas where I might find pictures of bands recording in Studio 2 in Parr Street Studios before it became a bar?”

St. John S. Gardens says..“ I have heard a rumour that the City Council has compulsorily purchased that lovely old flatiron-shaped nineteenth-century building at the confluence of Whitechapel and Victoria Street in order to demolish it for the non-existent Kirkby tram system!
We know that the oafs in the council are quite capable and indeed are very fond of committing acts of mindless vandalism so will this building be destroyed despite the money for the tram being withdrawn?
And what kind of idiots would direct a tramline through such a decorative and impressive building at such a road junction?
Couldn’t they put a bend in the track?
Or send the line through one of the numerous monstrosities we have had inflicted upon us by poor planning decisions?
Being steel-framed, knocking a hole in one of these brutalist eyesore to make a tunnel would be relatively cheap and simple and would obviate the need for total demolition. ”

Terry Cotter-Facade says..“ The Council's usual trick is to remove the roof to allow the elements to do their worst, even with listed buildings!”

FlatIronLives says..“ Similar notices appear all over the city. Read carefully and it seems they are part of the legal process to allow brackets to be fitted to buildings for the overhead tram wires. So the Flatiron building in Victoria Street will live on.”

Glad Stone says..“ When I posted the above I was not aware that Ms Berger was chair of the Labour Friends of Israel, something I only read this week. As we already have an apologist for Israeli mass-murder among our local Labour M.P.s, couldn't the Labour Party nationally at least have the tact to send this one somewhere else?”

Anonymous says..“ Gald stone, Having read both your rants its pretty clear that nothing in your second rant should change anything your said in your first, which slags the echo and then sums up the Echo's conclusion. Miss berger beign a friend of Israel isnt relevent to either of your earlier points. ”

Dave says..“ Please sign the Royal Iris petition and let's get her back to Liverpool. For more info, images and to listen to the current owner of the old girl, please go to www.royal.co.uk”

Dave says..“ Sorry, regarding the above, it should be http://www.royaliris.co.uk”

Jimmy Carr says..“ What's better than winning a gold medal at The Special Olympics?

ICE CREAM!!!”

marilyn says..“ Elvis Costello at the Philharmonic Monday 28 June. Their advertising for the gig claims he is good at cutting people down to size. But if half his lyrics are about women, is this not abusive?”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“
When Liverpool Confidential first started there was a section called ‘Ask Kelly… Anything’ in which readers were encouraged to send in questions that had perplexed them and this ‘Kelly’ would answer them.

I think it is time for Liverpool confidential to offer something similar but more relevant, a sort of enchiridion of Liverpool and its hinterland.

With massive redevelopment in the city centre, roads re-routed to keep the non-rich out of the centre and whole swathes of shops closed down, even locals are nowadays baffled as to where one can buy, for example, fishing line, find a proper cobbler, buy a bicycle, or rust inhibitor, or an air gun, or beeswax furniture polish, or a train set or find a proper haberdashers or gentleman’s outfitters, or cake icing, or haggis.

Staffed as Liverpool Confidential is by free-spending gadabouts who travel about the city, constantly feeding their faces during the hours when normal people are chained to their workplaces, it would appear to be the ideal organ to offer such a service!

The Oldham Echo would be no flipping use now would it? ”

Editorial says..“ Jaded, and anyone else, please feel free to ask us any questions here.
We will call upon our wide network of special advisors and writers who cover all matters from hairdressing tips, food and drink recommendations, computer code, pet advice, car sales techniques in a Honda dealership (beginners to advanced), emotional and relationship difficulties to bespoke jokes and how to foil traffic wardens/navigate the Dale Street-Victoria Street one-way system with zero traffic lights. We can do this and more. We've even got a vicar on board these days.
Ask us anything. Please.”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ Lovely! Now where can I buy an air gun?”

Honda Salesman says..“ Beginners to advanced? I don't just teach sales techniques I sell cars too!

Anybody want to buy a car?”

Editorial says..“ @Jaded Liverpolitan. May we ask what you want it for, first?”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ Dealing with vermin. It´s the most humane way, apparently.”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ The shop in Lark Lane that used to sell them is now part of a 'restaurant' - like we need more of them!”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ No answer then? As there are other small animals about and children nearby I refuse to use traps or poison.”

Ask any of us anything says..“ Jaded, in answer to your question, we were, at first not sure when you referred to "vermin" whether you meant the sort that is frequently the subject of Daily Mail editorials lambasting all those who do not fit its demographic, or the rodent variety - the sort that gazes at you defiantly from atop your kitchen cooker.

If it is the latter, and staring back does not work in hastening the blighter out of the door, here are three suggestions which should attend to all your shooting needs.
Happy pot shots and watch where you point that thing! xxx

LJ Cammell Ltd,
Tarran Way West,
Moreton,
Wirral.
Tel: (0151) 6776689

Member of: Gun Trade Association Contact Mr L. Camilleri

  Centrevine Ltd, Formby Gun Shop, Unit 2, 76 Stephensons Way,
Formby Business Park,
Formby
Tel: (01704) 870598

Member of: Gun Trade Association Registered Firearms Dealer Contact Mr S.J. Thomson
  Rainford Fieldsports,
21 Church Road,
Rainford,
St Helens
Tel: (01744) 885580. ”

Ask any of us anything says..“ Sorry Fairy Shott, could you repost that? We were tinkering with ourselves in the back office and your comment has gone missing....”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ No! Don’t be silly! The vermin is question are grey squirrels which are wrecking the garden and stealing the wild birds’ eggs as well as their seed from the feeder. And in the interests of environmental symbiosis, a chum of mine wants any kills I make so he can cook and eat them. Squirrels were a popular snack in the Victorian English diet. With most of us about to lose our jobs it would be no bad thing to reintroduce squirrel and rabbit into our diet!”

Tufty says..“ Murderer! I shall get the police marksmen after you the ones who took 15 shots to kill a stray cow. ”

Jaded Liverpolitan says..“ Tufty old man, you are a native RED Squirrel for whom I have the greatest respect. I am rather hoping a mass slaughter of the disease'carrying grey invaders will give a boost to the red squirrel population!”

Billy the Kid says..“ None of those shops are particularly local, are they? It strikes me that Liverpool might have more fancy shop now but it`s getting harder to buy useful things you actually want.”

Oor Wullie says..“ It’s getting harder all right, it’s that Francis Gay! Y’know this reminds me of that column in the Sunday Post in which readers are advised where to buy things they need but cannae find locally.

It was usually on the same page as the one in which readers recommend places they have eaten – “Twa fish suppers, bread, butter and two mugs of piping hot tea with excellent service for four poonds per heid!” ”

Fairy Shott-Gunn says..“ What I'd said was that the shop on Newington which sells skins, bongs and other paraphernalia also sells gun type equipment suitable for use on vermin. Make of that what you will.”

Sleepless in South Central says..“ Am I the only person who objects to being woken up EVERY Sunday morning at 6.50 - 7.00 by low flying aircraft taking off from Liverpool John Lennon airport? It's bad enough on other days but you want a bit of a lie in on Sunday mornings! If they HAVE to take off at that ungodly hour why can't they fly over the Mersey and not over houses? Yet again, it's a case of Liverpool people having to suffer for other peoples' profits. ”

Sebastian Flight says..“ South Central is in Los Angeles - are our aeroplanes THAT noisy? Oh dearie me!”